This past weekend was my very favorite yarn event of the year- Winter Wooly Weekend in Ferdinand, IN. It was my 5th year attending and first year co-organizing and I think it went really well. I certainly enjoyed myself and I had several people make a point to tell me that they enjoyed it. So, a win. A great weekend with old friends and some new, lots of knitting, a little drinking, but a great break from life.
So the downside to getting out of the house and going to a retreat and working and being needed, is that you have to come home eventually. And I've been a special sort of hell since I got back. I know that the path of recovery from PPD isn't always linear, but I really felt that I've been better. And overall I have. There have been fewer days of just crying for hours, there's been a sharp decrease on the bourbon intake, and I've been making things again, and I felt like things were getting better. But this week has thrown me right back to where I was before I had my D&C and that rotten piece of placenta removed.
I have been so lonely since I got back and feeling so positively worthless. I've been sad and so irrationally angry. I slipped in baby puke yesterday and broke my favorite tea cup on the way down and I sobbed for 3 hours. Then my mom posted some Obama-hate on Facebook over his new portrait and I just freaking lost it. I didn't even like Obama that much, I just really hate the new guy and every time I see his smug expression as he dictates who gets disaster relief or takes away from food stamps, I just want to throat punch someone. And this has been every day since the inauguration.
Sorry, I try not to get political, but the news has been a major source of my rage. The fact that my family (with exception of my husband) is entirely Pro-Trump makes it incredibly difficult because every time I try to talk about my feelings I'm told how irritating I am and then my cousin shows up wearing a "Don't be a snowflake" shirt to Christmas and going on about those fucking liberals. I seriously don't even want to go to family events anymore. It's just not worth the anger that I feel the entire time I'm there. Luckily nobody in my family reads this blog, and if they do, it's nothing new.
Anyhow. I've been dealing with a lot of hatred issues lately. And I'm trying to do all the things we talk about in group therapy like letting things go and being kinder to ourselves but I can see that I was getting better and now I'm slipping into a downward spiral and I can see it happening but I can't do anything about it. I used to be a loving person and I just hate who I am now. It's days like this that make me feel like the world would genuinely be better off without me, but then I wonder what would happen to my daughter and my cat and my houseplants, and I know that I just have to grin and bear it and hope that someday I won't feel like this.
I bought some yarn this weekend to make a sweater, but my computer is having issues and isn't talking to my phone (where the pictures are). So hopefully I'll remember to tell you about breaking my 3 year yarn diet in the next post. Until then, here's a song called "I Hate" by Passenger and it makes me smile a bit on days like this.It has some language, but nothing worse than I already say. Link
1 comment:
I also love that Passenger Song. Do you read Jenny Lawson (http://thebloggess.com/?s=depression+lies)? Depression lies. This is not forever. What you're feeling is real and shitty, but it's not YOU and it will end. You will keep walking, and you will make it out. You will. I believe that completely. (I also know that doesn't make it better now.)
I am about as liberal as they come, and I understand what you're saying about Trump supporters. It's a shame that people can't respect that family gatherings are not the place to discuss politics. It IS the place to be smart enough to avoid subjects that are hurtful.
I'm sending good energy your way, and I'm enough of a hippie to believe that makes a difference.
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