For years, I've identified as an artist or art teacher, an entrepreneur or small business owner, a "Software Development Liaison", whatever. When I introduced myself to someone new, it ultimately depended on how much I felt like talking. Artist or Entrepreneur generally meant more talking, and sometimes I just want to listen and enjoy a bourbon so I would say "I work in software development".
When I had Tia, I gave up my office job. I loved the people I worked with, and the company I worked for, but honestly wasn't passionate about the position. Plus returning to "work" after having Tia would mean that someone else was raising my child during the day and I was handing over about 85% of my paycheck for them to do so. So working from home on yarn sales and knitwear design while raising Tia seemed like an obvious choice. I still attend yarn shows, I still dye yarn and run Good For Ewe, admittedly mostly during nap time. I thought I would like it more than I do. It turns out I need people. That's another thing.
So a few days ago, on Instagram, another user messaged me and wanted to do a little post-sharing shout out kind of thing to promote each other. Not normally my thing, since I just enjoy posting on my personal page and I don't really care if people enjoy the content. I just feel the need to show people what I'm working on. I like sharing my arts and crafts, and I like it when others share their projects with me. Anyhow, I agreed to the post-sharing. She posted a picture of a lace shawl I finished the other day (pictures coming...eventually) and I shared a picture of a pie she had recently posted. It was a very pretty pie. And she did a shout out to a "fellow SAHM and crafty lady". SAHM is Stay At Home Mom. And she couldn't have possibly known this, and I definitely know that she didn't mean any offense by it, but I didn't like being called that. And I feel like a giant jerk for saying it- and I might regret this post ultimately, but I've had a couple glasses of wine so I'm going to keep going- but that's not how I identify myself. It's not that being a SAHM isn't "enough" - quite the contrary. I feel like it's at times harder than being a Work From Home Mom. Because right now I'm a mom, until Tia is napping, and then I get to go be me again for a couple hours. I need those breaks to remember who I used to be, and I hope I'll be that person again when Tia is more independent. Some women were born to be a mom. Love every minute of being a mom. And I'm not one of them. I get frustrated. I get lonely. And I live for trunk show Saturdays when my husband takes Tia and I get to drive to another state and go teach and talk about yarn all day, get paid, and then come home.
I still identify as a provider. Moms provide, but I still need that validation in the form of a paycheck. I know there's tons of ways to provide and none of them are less or more than others, only different. I need something on paper saying that I matter, because being home all the time with my tiny human isn't fulfilling every part of me. Mom life is so quiet and I need the noise and chaos of being a an artist and small business owner.
I intend to return to an office position when Tia is in school. But we're still 5 years away from that, so I need to make my peace with life as it is, and figure out what I need to do to feel more fulfilled.
Other news:
I finished Rachel's wedding shawl. I love how it turned out, and I gave it to her today. We'll try to get pictures soon.
I'm still working on Le Socks. I have only gotten an inch or so farther than the last picture.
I started a Knit-Together of the Breathing Space Sweater. It's using the other sock yarn I bought in Paris, and 2 skeins of Sultry Steps in a royal blue color. I like it very much, but I need to get a good picture of it now that I've added the second color (this picture is a couple days old). I'm knitting together with 2 good friends in Southern Indiana- the owner of Serendipity Fibers (Melissa) and Amanda, who I met at Wooly Workshop 3 years ago and took to London with me in October. I'm a little obsessed with the sweater, and I'm making much more progress than I thought I would. In related news, my house is in desperate need of a dusting and bathroom cleaning.
I started CBD oil for my post-partum depression. CBD is a cannabis extract. It has no THC, which is the chemical that gets you high. I've been hearing good things for a while for the treatment of everything from migraines to fibromialgia to anxiety and insomnia and depression. I have the last 3, and chronic shoulder pain from muscle knots from anxiety and depression. It might be placebo effect at this point, but I am sleeping a little better. I have more energy, and I'm in a much better mood overall. I've still gotten angry a few times this week, but the anger passed quickly, which is a huge improvement. The shoulder is less tight. Most importantly for me, there have been no side effects whatsoever. I'm really sensitive to medication and had terrible side effects with the last 3 things I've been prescribed for my depression. This is better. It's not something I want to be on forever, but I need something more than me to get me through this year.
I read A Wrinkle In Time. The protagonist drove me crazy.
1 comment:
Great news on the oil and hope it keeps on helping. My rule is I don't care if it is a placebo, as long as it works! I understand the need for validation. I have talked to people over time that struggled going back to work after baby. "Remember, how hard that was?" Sorry but that was never me. It took a long time for me to not feel guilty about it. .Everyone is different that is for sure!
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